I Can't Be in Love
by The Hobbit Lass
Summary: Numair thinks about his newly realized love for Daine. A little bit angsty.


I Can't Be in Love

Disclaimer: I'm just going to make this short and simple. I don't own anything. Hopefully those lawyers won't come over to my house anymore now.

This is just a little something that popped into my head while reading The Realms of the Gods.

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_He could feel her blink, as if those long, dark lashes of hers touched his cheek. Suddenly he learned something that he'd never considered before. _–The Realms of the Gods

He almost couldn't believe it. Was he ill or was he asleep and dreaming? No, he was wide awake and in perfect health. _Then how can this be?_ Numair asked himself. _How did this happen?_

All of a sudden, he knew he was in love with Daine. Yes, actually in love with her. But she was his student, his little magelet. He had never dreamed he would ever feel that way about her. He respected her and would never take advantage of her and knew that she trusted him. He was her teacher and sometimes like a guardian to her. How did this happen?

He never realized it until now, but the love had been in his heart for a while. He couldn't let her know how he felt though. What if it was only an infatuation? He had been attracted to plenty of women before and it never turned out to be real love. He didn't want to hurt Daine and break her young heart if he stopped caring for her. But she probably wouldn't care if he did. She probably wouldn't want him to love her at all. She was young and she probably saw him as so much older than her. She would want to be involved with someone her own age, and he didn't blame her.

She would be repulsed by him if she knew how he felt. She would be horrified and she wouldn't want anything more to do with him. A rift would grow between them and it would keep widening as time went on, and there would be nothing either of them could do to cross it. The very thought of that made Numair's heart ache.

No, she could never know. He would just have to bear his secret in silence and hope for it to go away. Even if he could not have Daine as a lover, he at least wanted to keep her friendship and not let it be destroyed by his depraved infatuation.

He thought of her sitting up in bed surrounded by her beloved animals. He longed to be a cat and just sit close to her and feel her arms around him. Oh, why couldn't he get these things out of his head? _I can't be in love, _he thought wildly. _I just can't be! It's got to be just a feeling that will pass in time!_

The feelings he had for Daine felt so beautiful, but yet so wrong. His heart felt fluttery and wonderful whenever he thought of her, but his mind kept scolding him. It was all wrong. He couldn't love her; it just wasn't right. But oh how he wanted to. He wanted to feel her lean against his chest and feel her brown curls under his fingers as he stroked her hair. He wanted to feel the softness of her skin and the pressure of her lips upon his. There were so many things that he wanted and he couldn't have them. He _shouldn't_ have them. It was wicked of him to desire such things.

Perhaps these feelings would go away. Perhaps it will turn out to be only an illusion. It was best to just wait and see.

x-x-x

Days passed. Numair watched Daine and he paid attention to his heart and mind. His feelings did not dissolve, but became stronger instead, to his dismay. They were in the Divine Realms now and had just left Daine's parents. The badger and the duckmole were nowhere in sight, and night had fallen. Numair lay down on the ground outside trying to sleep, but his mind was filled with the sound of Daine's breathing as she slept a few feet away from him.

He turned to look at her. Her back was to him and her hair tumbled down her back in tangles and he longed to comb the tangles loose with his fingers.

_Why_ he pleaded. _Why do I have to love her? This is so wrong._ He felt so guilty over the love he secretly kept in his heart. But at least he knew it was love. That was one small bit of comfort that he had. It was no mere infatuation; he knew that now. He had never felt this way about any other human being before, and his feelings filled him with joy inside. But that joy quickly crumbled when he remembered who it was that he loved. Why did it have to be Daine? He asked himself that every day but received no answers.

Numair didn't know if he could stand it much longer. His feelings kept longing to burst out of him but he had to struggle to keep them contained. If Daine knew, it would be a disaster. Keeping his love to himself was tormenting him inside, but there was nothing he could do. He was a black robe mage and could create rifts in the earth and turn men into trees, but he couldn't fix an aching heart.

He was still facing Daine and could see her body softly rising and falling with each deep breath she took. He wanted to see her face. H couldn't rest until he did. He slowly and carefully got up and crept cat-like to her side without making a sound. She was so beautiful when she slept. So beautiful and so young. The reminder of her youth sent a pang through Numair's heart. It just wasn't fair.

He looked down at her sadly and thought of how happy she was going to make the man she would someday marry, whoever he may be. How lucky that man would be. Numair slowly bent down and softly kissed Daine on the lips, gently so that she would not wake. "Good night, magelet." _I love you._

The end.


End file.
